Criterion Barrels, Inc. Announces Release of ELAC System for Savage & Remington 700 Rifles: Government Regulatory Agency Immediately Initiates Ban Protocol

By Josh Buege

Criterion Barrels has partnered with an affiliate firearms manufacturer in the creation of a Savage and Remington 700 conversion kit that will offer significant cost savings and enhanced ballistic performance to enthusiasts of these popular rifle lines. Criterion also plans to begin work on conversion kits for other popular rifle platforms including the AR-15, M1 Garand, and M14.

While most rifles available today rely on a propellant that has remained largely unchanged since the 19th Century, the new CBI Electromagnetic Linear Accelerator Conversion (ELAC) device is powered by a rechargeable lithium ion battery pack that retains a charge greater than several car batteries.

The electromagnetic field powered by this backpack mounted battery pack will enable the shooter to propel a small 62 grain projectile at velocities approaching 9,500 FPS, more than three times the speed of a traditional 5.56 cartridge.

This system offers a number of benefits to recreational and competitive shooters, significantly reducing the cost of ammunition by removing some of the most expensive cartridge elements commonly found in the traditional cartridge. While the 53 pound backpack mounted battery may carry with it a fairly hefty price tag of more than $2500, it can be easily charged in minutes through a wall mounted socket or USB connection.

Although this new conversion kit is still in the prototype stage, many barrel lengths and contours will soon be available for purchase through Criterion distributors by the end of 2015. The most controversial of these variants is the 10.5 inch “pistol” model, which some regulatory agencies have deemed a “credible threat” to law enforcement personnel due to the ease in which the short barrel could be concealed. The regulatory agencies in question declined to comment on the concealability of the attached charging device.

While government bureaus have yet to cite a single incident where this new conversion system was used in the commission of a crime, Walter Peck of the non-profit firearm activist group Every City For Gun Safety has made claims that despite their bulky backpack mounted charging systems and slow rate of fire, these short barreled rifle modifications should be immediately banned from use by the general public.

According to Mr. Peck, a former administrator with the Environmental Protection Agency, “These fully automatic assault death machines are a threat to each and every member of the community, and should only be carried by police and military personnel.”

Despite the fact that the ELAC system requires a charging period of 15 seconds before it is capable of launching another projectile, the regulatory agency initiating the “common sense” ban protocol has categorized all ammunition used by this conversion as “armor piercing” due to its ability to penetrate Class IIIA soft body armor used by the majority of the nation’s law enforcement personnel.

The regulatory agency in question has recently announced that it will be taking comments from the public via email and fax for 37 minutes before carrying out the proposed ban.

Editor’s Note: This article was produced as part of a satirical April Fool’s joke. Criterion Barrels is not currently in the process of developing a man-portable rail gun, although the theoretical existance of such a device is feasible if battery efficiency continues to improve. Protestor quotes and the ban proposal were also fabricated for the purpose of this article. Please do not contact Criterion for information regarding production timetables, pre-order information, or photos of the finished product.

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